Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
