I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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