I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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