you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
