bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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