i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
