I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
