Someone shit on the floor
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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