Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
