SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
