Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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