Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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