A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
