I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
