and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
