i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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