i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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