Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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