Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
