I just threw up on my dentist
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize