I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize