I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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