I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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