"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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