bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
