You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
