Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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