if i can run in heels then i can drive
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
