every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
