I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
