Fine. I'll sleep in my office
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
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