nut hugger
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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