hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
