Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
