i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
