wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
