You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
