The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
