Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
