The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
