I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
