where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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