yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
