Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize