My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
