Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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