just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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