I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
