you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize