Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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