I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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