ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
