So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
