i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
