it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
