when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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