Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
