it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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