I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
