my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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