We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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