Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
