I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I checked into jail on foursquare
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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